Thoughts #1

When we get home, we are going to work on doing a post of each day that we are in Ethiopia. This is just a quick post on some of our thoughts up until this point.

Pam ~ I'm in Ethiopia. I've met my daughter. The little girl who has already changed my life. A strong-willed, affectionate, playful, FAST, sparkling, smart, beautiful child who has stolen my heart.

Our trip to get to ET was very long and tiring. We arrived in ET having just been in an airplane for 13 1/2 hours and not been able to sleep. We were able to get our stuff brought in to the guest house where we are staying and had about an hour and a half to "freshen up". Then it was time to meet the other adoptive families who are in country and go to lunch.

I wasn't hungry. I ordered a cup of tomato soup but was only able to eat a few bites. My stomach was in knots and I was soooooo nervous and tired. I kept waiting for that adrenalin to kick in.

We went from lunch straight to the transition home where we were the third of four families to meet our daughter.

Love. that. girl. to. pieces.

She came right to us and I tried to not cry as I scooped her into my arms for a hug. She was wearing the shirt we had sent her and had the photo book we made for her in her hands.

More to come on day #1.........

Today (day #2 in ET). Our daughter met the van as it pulled into the TH yard and grinned as she looked up at each window to see if she could find us. We grinned and waved and she was waiting by the door as we got out.

We had a fantastic afternoon together.

Then it was time to leave. We thought. But then we found out that we were taking "K" with us as we walked down the street to the older child transition home where "K" actually lives. Her face was VERY serious as Nathan carried her down the road and she wouldn't smile.

We got to see the room and bed where "K" sleeps and she started crying. And then I started crying. And then Nathan started crying.

I don't think I will ever fully be able to explain the look that was in my daughter's eyes as we took her into the home where she lives. The sadness, the fear, the panic, the PAIN. I'm starting to cry again as I type this. I took a picture of her face and it is NOT a face I EVER want to see on my daughter again.

Needless to say, leaving her was HARD. She clung to me and just sobbed. I was trying sooooooo hard to not cry, but as I set her down, told her that mommy loves her very much, and walked away (I didn't let myself look back) I lost it. The tears started and I don't know if I will really get them to stop or go away until I have my little girl in my arms FOREVER!!!!!!!

Nate ~ Well. I just read Pam's part and I'm crying again. When Pam says a long flight...she is under-stating what 13.5 hours on a plane really means. Those of you that have done it know, but there is a special mental pain that begins for people like me when we sit that long...and no. getting up to walk down a plane aisle full of people doesn't really help.

When we went to lunch, I ordered vegetable soup. However, I also had no appetite and only had a few more bites than Pam. I felt completely sick with nerves. What will we do? What will she do? What will she think? Will I ever be a good daddy to this little girl? Will we love her? Will she love us? Admittedly, I was terrified. In the end, it went well. She was hesitant at first but warmed up to us. She connected with both of us very quickly...OK. This is summary only. I have lots more to say about this day, but I'll wait until there is time to be thorough.

Today started with a service at IEC, the local Evangelical church that we attended. I won't say much here, but it was not like the services back home, but I could get used to it none-the-less! Today with the kids was much harder. Not just with "K" but with all the children. Yesterday, she cried when we left, but that seemed to be more because we were taking the things with us. Today, it was definitely because we were leaving. That was very hard and my heart broke for my daughter. I didn't want to leave her, but I knew that I had too.....Pam's has recapped that already and I'll talk more about it later. What also struck me today was how many wonderful children are here. For them to be at our agency's transition home, they either have a family that can't bring them home yet (waiting on paperwork) or they have not been referred out yet (most likely, waiting on paper work), or they are on the waiting child list. You can't imagine the smiles on these kids faces. They just want to be loved and cared for by a family. There is a longing in their eyes that I can't explain. The kids that would look at us while we played with "K"....and my heart broke again. It just hurts to see such a need and not be able to help them in some way....so I'm helping them, by asking you to pray for them. Pray for paperwork to move and God to move in the hearts and lives of the forever families that He has picked out for them.

We miss you guys....though we wouldn't leave without "K" if it was possible. We will be home in under a week and will try to get our thoughts completely down as soon as we can so we don't lose them. Thank you for praying and loving from a distance.

REFERRAL!!!!!

(Pam ~ Pink Font; Nate ~ Blue Font)


On Monday, June 25, 2012, I received the phone call that has changed our lives FOREVER!!!! We are going to be the Daddy and Mommy to a beautiful 5-year-old little girl from Ethiopia!!!! I still get this overwhelming feeling of awe and wonder and a silly grin on my face whenever I think about how perfect our daughter is :-). God is soooooooo good and we are so very blessed to be given this chance to be the parents of this special little girl!!!!!

Pam had an overwhelming feeling of awe and wonder; my feelings were much more confused. This was good because it was unexpected and we weren't dwelling on the waiting that we were going through. However, because of my job and the responsibilities that I had during the week that our call came through, I was forced to focus on my job when I was at work. That included from the moment I got the call until the end of Friday that week. Was I distracted at work? Absolutely! I didn't say I worked well, just that I had to try to focus. Because of this, my memories of the emotions are less clear in my mind than they are for Pam. I know that I felt an immediate rush, followed by an immediate thought of, "How am I going to focus on my job this week." At the same time, the excitement was there any time I wasn't at work and it was threatening to bubble over much of the time that I was at work. In fact, one day that week, I was having a very rough morning and afternoon. One of my co-workers came over to me, pointed to "K"'s picture and smiled. It was a wonderful moment. I just looked at our daughter and, while the stresses didn't disappear, they felt much lighter for that wonderful moment.

The Details
I was at home, sitting on the couch, watching the end of Dr. Phil (I don't watch him very often, but it just happened to be a day that I was). I glanced at the oven clock and saw that it was 3:55 p.m. and had the brief thought that our agency's office hours would be done in 5 minutes and went back to watching TV. At 3:58 p.m. my cell phone rang. I picked it up, glanced at the caller ID and saw "AWAA". I just stared at the phone in my hand as it rang!!!! When I finally realized that I needed to answer it, I heard the voice of our family coordinator greeting me and asking if Nate was with me.

(I won't recount the exact wording of our conversation, but I do want to write a lot of it here. I want to have these memories recorded, because although I feel right now as if I will NEVER forget these moments, I know that memories fade as time passes.)

I told Elise (our FC) that Nathan was still at work for another half hour. She then told me that she had some news for us and asked if our family "situation" was still the same (no changes in health, financial status, etc.). I told her about our decision to not have me sign a teaching contract for next school year and she asked what Nathan made. I told her I didn't know off the top of my head and she said that she would quickly check our file. Elise asked if I wanted her to try to conference call Nathan in and I said "YES" so she put me on hold while she went to check our file and call Nathan.

My heart was POUNDING and I had started to shake!!!! I was pretty sure that this was THE call, but I didn't want to be disappointed if she needed to tell us something else. I was on hold for about 5 minutes and that was a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong 5 minutes. I was praying that God would give me strength if this wasn't THE call and that I would not have any bitterness in me if there was something else happening.

Elise came back on the line and told me that she had been unable to reach Nathan. She asked if there was another number that she could try and I told her that there wasn't. I also told her that if Nathan saw a missed call on his phone and realized it was her that he would call her back. She said that she would "patch him in" if he did call back :-).

Then she told me that she had some news for us and asked if I wanted her to tell me or wait until later when she might be able to tell us together. Now I really appreciate her willingness to check and make sure, but REALLY????? Can you imagine me being able to WAIT to hear what the news was?!?! I told her that I didn't think Nathan would mind if she told me :-). I'm SO GLAD she didn't wait to hear the news. I would have minded if she HAD waited.

Then came these words.

"Well, this is your referral call."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(I didn't actually do that, but I wanted to!!!!!!)

Elise started telling me all sorts of information while I quickly tried to find a piece of paper and a pen to write down what she was telling me. I was having trouble holding the phone, holding the paper still, and gripping the pen to write, all while my hands were shaking. I pretty much didn't say ANYTHING to Elise (hopefully she knew that I was trying to listen but was a little bit in shock) and when she asked if I had any questions I told her that I was trying to write it all down but that I was so excited I didn't know how much I was getting. She told me that she would be sending an e-mail with more information, files, paperwork, and PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Telling Nathan
After I hung up with Elise, I immediately e-mailed Nathan ~ "Do you have a missed call?????? CALL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at 4:10 p.m.

When I hadn't received an e-mail back OR a phone call (within 60 seconds!!!), I texted him ~ CALL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! at 4:11 p.m.

(I was feeling a little impatient!!!!)

He called me at 4:12 p.m. and quietly said, "What's up???" I told him that our agency had called and asked him if he wanted me to tell him the news or if I should wait until he got off work in 15 minutes. I honestly don't remember much of that phone conversation. I was soooooooooooooooooooooo excited and kept staring at my computer screen watching for the e-mail that was going to show me the first pictures I would ever see of my DAUGHTER!!!!!! I do remember asking him if I could open the e-mail and see her pictures or if I should wait until he got home. (I knew that I should, and really wanted to, wait until he got home, but I just wanted to SEE HER!!!!!!) He asked me to wait and said that he had to get back to work but that he would call me as soon as he was in his car. I really wanted her to wait for me so that we could do this together.  I wanted so badly to see these pictures together; to share the moment of meeting our future daughter.

And here is what Nathan remembers from those moments.

Nathan's Memories
4:00ish. That is the time that my phone vibrated in my pocket; the first time. As I mentioned before, this was a very busy week for me at work. I had the extra responsibilities that I get about once every 6-7 weeks on a normal rotation basis and that require more focus and attention than my normal week. Due to that, I didn't even check to see who had called or texted me. Then, it vibrated again, and then, around 4:10, it vibrated a third time. Finally, I thought, "This better be important." I walked away from my desk, checked my phone and I had two text messages from a good friend of ours. As I looked at them to see what was going on, I got a text from Pam that said, "Did you get a call?  CALL ME!" As a clarification, I didn't see Pam's e-mail until later. At that point, I thought something was up, so I checked my missed calls...and I knew. I saw AWAA, I saw the "tone" of Pam's text message, and I knew. I went to a quiet room and called my wife to hear the wonderful news. What wonderful news!!!


It is hard to explain my emotions at this time. I'm a numbers guy. I'm hopeful and usually very upbeat, but deep down, I'm also a realist and a skeptic. Those things tempered my joy that day. I was VERY excited to get the referral, but I still wanted to pass court: to have an official "this can never be changed...EVER" relationship with our daughter. Remember, I was VERY excited, but still holding out as well.

Seeing HER!!!!
I'm pretty sure I squealed!!!! She is BEAUTIFUL!!!!! Her smile lit up my computer screen and we were giddy as we looked at our daughter's face for the first time!!!!

And then I cried. And cried. And then cried some more.

Nathan asked "These are good tears, right?!?!"

Yes, they were good tears. Some of the best tears I have ever cried.

She "squealed" and then REALLY cried. They were good tears, but yet it was hard for me. I knew it was good, but I don't like it when my wife cries...probably because I "know" that they were good tears and not tears of pain, but I still wonder and my protective instincts kick in.


Telling Family
We had a plan of how we wanted to tell our family once we had received our referral. We wanted to make sure we told our parents first and then we wanted to tell family that are in the area in person. We set our plan in motion and it went just as we had planned it :-).

Getting to see my parents' reaction via Skype was extra-special (along with my sister Kristi!!!!) Seeing my sister Debbi come down the stairs in her painting clothes, not having ANY idea why we were there, and then breaking into tears upon seeing "K"'s face and hugging me was one our sweetest moments together. I loved seeing Debbi and Pam's moment together. It was wonderful to see the love that they share. Pam doesn't know this yet (until she reads this) but my strongest memory of this day is the moment that Debbi knew it was THE call and Pam and Debbi had their crying hug. What an amazingly loving moment between sisters. :o) (I was grateful that Doug was there too as I really wanted to share the news with both of them...and I'm glad the boys were there even though they didn't fully understand what was going on: this is just my strongest memory.)

Trying to stay calm and not give anything away while calling Nathan's sister Heidi to ask her if we could "stop by" for a just a few minutes was hard :-). Getting to share "K"'s photo with Heidi and our nephew and nieces was very sweet as they all talked about how excited they are to meet their cousin. It was also fun to be able to drive to Des Moines and show my sister, Heidi, and her 4 kids. It was fun to hear the "Awwwwwwww"'s from the kids and to see Heidi's expressions of excitement too. It was also fun to hear their excitement at having a girl cousin.


Skype. If you are further from family than a half hour or hour drive, you should get the free version. Is it perfect with wonderful quality? No. However, it is free and an amazing tool for connecting over a long distance. We were able to Skype my brother in Delaware, my in-laws in Colorado and my parents (the next morning) in Colorado as well. It was cool to be able to hold up pictures and let them see their new granddaughter (or niece).


We spent most of the evening calling family and telling them our good news. Nathan kept trying to get me to eat something for dinner, but I was just too excited to even try to think about food!!!! (He did find something to eat for himself!!!) We had a couple really close friends that we wanted to call, and then we finally posted our good news on Facebook :-).

Around 10 p.m. I told Nathan and he should really start heading for bed (he had to get up for work the next day) but that there was absolutely NO WAY that I was going to be able to sleep, so I was going to stay up a while longer. We kept getting distracted, so around 11 p.m. I finally headed upstairs with Nathan to go to bed. I didn't get to sleep until after midnight and then I woke up at 5 a.m.wide awake and ready to shout to the world that I HAVE A DAUGHTER!!!!!!!

I really have no words to even begin to express how thankful I am for everyone who has been praying for us along our journey to this point!!!!  Your prayers have encouraged, supported, and uplifted us through some very hard and discouraging times, and I want to THANK each one of you!!!!!

I also want to thank everyone for their excitement and congratulations. This is a wonderful time for us and this has been a long hard road that God has led us down, but it has been a great blessing and encouragement to have so many friends and family supporting us on that journey. God has been good to us and that includes your support, love, and prayers. Thank you!!!

Mother's Day Sadness

Pam ~ I have been arguing with myself all week about whether or not I would/should do a post about Mother's Day.  As I'm typing this, I'm still trying to decide if I'll actually "publish" it or not.  I feel a need to share my heart and emotions right now, but I don't want to upset or "offend" anyone by what I say.

This Sunday will be the eighth Mother's Day that has come in the almost 8 years that Nathan and I have been married.  The first two or three were fine.  I bought cards for our moms, went to the mother/daughter "activities" that our church had (you don't have to go as a mother/daughter pair; all women are welcome) and attended church with my mind on how thankful I was for my mom.

Then there was a shift.  I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted to celebrate this day with little ones around my feet and in my arms.  Mother's Day became a little more emotional. 

It didn't help that I was receiving comments from people - "Why don't you have any kids yet?"  "Since you don't want to have any kids......"  (Where did they get THAT idea from?????)  "Don't you know that children are a blessing?"  (YES!!!!!!!)

Mother's Day #6 (May of 2010) was the hardest one up to that point.  I didn't feel like going to church and putting on a happy face and pretending that everything was fine.  But my parents were visiting and it seemed like the right thing to do - go to church with my mom on Mother's Day.

Our church passes out little "gifts" to moms on Mother's Day (and to dads on Father's Day).  That year (Mother's Day #6), I was approached by one of the church men who was passing out these gifts.  He held it out to me and then quickly pulled it away as he said, "Oh yeah.  You're not a mom."

Yeah.  Thanks for reminding me.  I might have forgotten.  (sarcasm intended)

I know that he didn't mean anything by it.  But OUCH!!!!!  It really hurt.

Last year (Mother's Day #7), I made it to church, but put a warning out there on Facebook that I didn't want any "sympathetic" looks or I just might punch someone or something.  I made it through the day again.  (Last minute - literally as we were walking out of the church - our pastor's wife asked if I had gotten the little gift, which I hadn't, and said "Well, you're a mom.  Your kids just aren't here yet." and she gave me one!!!  I really appreciated her looking at it in that way!!!!)

My sister has been fantastic in giving me a Mother's Day card the past few years.  She knows what it is like to wait for many years to become a Mom.

And for me, it's not really even in the wanting to be "recognized" as already being a mom.  It's about missing my KIDS and wanting to have them here with me!!!!  I don't want to be recognized as being a mom.  I want to BE A MOM!!!!!!!

I'm not sure I'm going to make it this year.  Is that wrong of me?????  I just don't think that I'll be able to hold it together.

Honesty

Pam ~ I am going to try to be honest today.  Honest in sharing my struggles and emotions.

Last night I was in tears.  I bottle up all my conflicting emotions ~ happy, sad, confused, frustrated, envious, angry, selfish, thankful, etc.  They all swirl inside me every day, but it's easier to stuff them down inside and MAKE myself happy and smiling on the outside.  Maybe if I make myself look "okay" on the outside I'll start feeling it on the inside.

Have I ever mentioned how much I want to be a mommy?  It's my life dream and has been since I was a tiny girl.  Have I ever mentioned how hard it's been over the past six and a half years of marriage to DREAM of the day that Nathan and I would become parents and raise our children together in our loving home?  Have I ever mentioned how jealous (yes, jealous!!!!) I have been of every friend and family member who has announced they are expecting?  How hard it has been for me to smile and congratulate them as if it's the easiest thing in the world?  How I go home and cry my eyes out?  Sometimes for several days.  And then go on.

We were accepted by our adoption agency, AWAA, 10 months ago tomorrow.  We have been DTE (on the official waiting list) for just over three months.  We have been adoption "pregnant" for 10 months.  And will be for many more months (probably).

One of the areas that I am REALLY struggling with right now is my job.  I teach kindergarten at a small private Christian school.  And I love my job.  I really do.  I have poured myself into each and every one of the over 100 students I have taught.  They have been my "babies", my children whom I can love and "mother" while they are with me.  I cry at the end of each school year as I have to let them leave my classroom and hand them over to new teachers for the next school year.

My school knows that I will be done teaching as soon as we bring our children home.  I want to be a SAHM who can teach and train our children in the loving environment of our home.  I am a full proponent of Christian schooling AND home-schooling (I was home-schooled).  We don't yet know which option we will choose for the education of our children, but now I am veering off what I was intending to write about :-).

I will be given a teaching contract soon for next school year.  What do I do?  Do I sign it, knowing that I will possibly (and hopefully!!!!!) not finish the entire school year?  I am praying soooooooooooooooooooooo hard that we will have brought our children home before the end of May 2012!!!!!  So, do I sign it?  Would that be fair to my small school, to leave them short-handed in the middle of the school year?  Would that be fair to my little students, to abandon them to a new teacher who has different methods and ideas?  Would that be fair to the parents, who have prayerfully entrusted their precious children's foundational education to ME?  Do I not sign the contract, but instead ask for an associate position at my school, where I can still interact with my co-workers (who are some of my best friends), and help many of the children I have taught in years past and still dearly love?  Would I BE ABLE to step out of a teaching position and leave that job to someone else?  Honestly!!!!!  CAN I DO THAT??????  Or do I not sign the contract, and leave my school entirely to substitute teach next school year?  I would be able to teach and yet not have the busyness that is involved in having my own classroom.  I would work MUCH shorter days.  I could have any days off that I needed or wanted.  I would be able to be done working immediately and easily when we leave to bring our children home.  But I know what subbing is like.  I did it for a year and it's not very much fun sometimes.  It can be VERY stressful.

I've probably lost several readers by now.  This is going on and on and on and on.  Sorry.  I'm feeling a little down today.  Maybe it's the double pink eye I have.  Or the "almost strep throat".  Or the fluid filled ears.  Or maybe it's the stuffed nose.  Take your pick.  Happy April Fool's Day (I wish this WAS an April's Fool)

I know that God is in control.  His plan IS perfect.  And I'm praying that He will teach me through this adoption to trust more fully in Him.  I'm just struggling right now.