Pam ~ I have been arguing with myself all week about whether or not I would/should do a post about Mother's Day. As I'm typing this, I'm still trying to decide if I'll actually "publish" it or not. I feel a need to share my heart and emotions right now, but I don't want to upset or "offend" anyone by what I say.
This Sunday will be the eighth Mother's Day that has come in the almost 8 years that Nathan and I have been married. The first two or three were fine. I bought cards for our moms, went to the mother/daughter "activities" that our church had (you don't have to go as a mother/daughter pair; all women are welcome) and attended church with my mind on how thankful I was for my mom.
Then there was a shift. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to celebrate this day with little ones around my feet and in my arms. Mother's Day became a little more emotional.
It didn't help that I was receiving comments from people - "Why don't you have any kids yet?" "Since you don't want to have any kids......" (Where did they get THAT idea from?????) "Don't you know that children are a blessing?" (YES!!!!!!!)
Mother's Day #6 (May of 2010) was the hardest one up to that point. I didn't feel like going to church and putting on a happy face and pretending that everything was fine. But my parents were visiting and it seemed like the right thing to do - go to church with my mom on Mother's Day.
Our church passes out little "gifts" to moms on Mother's Day (and to dads on Father's Day). That year (Mother's Day #6), I was approached by one of the church men who was passing out these gifts. He held it out to me and then quickly pulled it away as he said, "Oh yeah. You're not a mom."
Yeah. Thanks for reminding me. I might have forgotten. (sarcasm intended)
I know that he didn't mean anything by it. But OUCH!!!!! It really hurt.
Last year (Mother's Day #7), I made it to church, but put a warning out there on Facebook that I didn't want any "sympathetic" looks or I just might punch someone or something. I made it through the day again. (Last minute - literally as we were walking out of the church - our pastor's wife asked if I had gotten the little gift, which I hadn't, and said "Well, you're a mom. Your kids just aren't here yet." and she gave me one!!! I really appreciated her looking at it in that way!!!!)
My sister has been fantastic in giving me a Mother's Day card the past few years. She knows what it is like to wait for many years to become a Mom.
And for me, it's not really even in the wanting to be "recognized" as already being a mom. It's about missing my KIDS and wanting to have them here with me!!!! I don't want to be recognized as being a mom. I want to BE A MOM!!!!!!!
I'm not sure I'm going to make it this year. Is that wrong of me????? I just don't think that I'll be able to hold it together.
