Honesty

Pam ~ I am going to try to be honest today.  Honest in sharing my struggles and emotions.

Last night I was in tears.  I bottle up all my conflicting emotions ~ happy, sad, confused, frustrated, envious, angry, selfish, thankful, etc.  They all swirl inside me every day, but it's easier to stuff them down inside and MAKE myself happy and smiling on the outside.  Maybe if I make myself look "okay" on the outside I'll start feeling it on the inside.

Have I ever mentioned how much I want to be a mommy?  It's my life dream and has been since I was a tiny girl.  Have I ever mentioned how hard it's been over the past six and a half years of marriage to DREAM of the day that Nathan and I would become parents and raise our children together in our loving home?  Have I ever mentioned how jealous (yes, jealous!!!!) I have been of every friend and family member who has announced they are expecting?  How hard it has been for me to smile and congratulate them as if it's the easiest thing in the world?  How I go home and cry my eyes out?  Sometimes for several days.  And then go on.

We were accepted by our adoption agency, AWAA, 10 months ago tomorrow.  We have been DTE (on the official waiting list) for just over three months.  We have been adoption "pregnant" for 10 months.  And will be for many more months (probably).

One of the areas that I am REALLY struggling with right now is my job.  I teach kindergarten at a small private Christian school.  And I love my job.  I really do.  I have poured myself into each and every one of the over 100 students I have taught.  They have been my "babies", my children whom I can love and "mother" while they are with me.  I cry at the end of each school year as I have to let them leave my classroom and hand them over to new teachers for the next school year.

My school knows that I will be done teaching as soon as we bring our children home.  I want to be a SAHM who can teach and train our children in the loving environment of our home.  I am a full proponent of Christian schooling AND home-schooling (I was home-schooled).  We don't yet know which option we will choose for the education of our children, but now I am veering off what I was intending to write about :-).

I will be given a teaching contract soon for next school year.  What do I do?  Do I sign it, knowing that I will possibly (and hopefully!!!!!) not finish the entire school year?  I am praying soooooooooooooooooooooo hard that we will have brought our children home before the end of May 2012!!!!!  So, do I sign it?  Would that be fair to my small school, to leave them short-handed in the middle of the school year?  Would that be fair to my little students, to abandon them to a new teacher who has different methods and ideas?  Would that be fair to the parents, who have prayerfully entrusted their precious children's foundational education to ME?  Do I not sign the contract, but instead ask for an associate position at my school, where I can still interact with my co-workers (who are some of my best friends), and help many of the children I have taught in years past and still dearly love?  Would I BE ABLE to step out of a teaching position and leave that job to someone else?  Honestly!!!!!  CAN I DO THAT??????  Or do I not sign the contract, and leave my school entirely to substitute teach next school year?  I would be able to teach and yet not have the busyness that is involved in having my own classroom.  I would work MUCH shorter days.  I could have any days off that I needed or wanted.  I would be able to be done working immediately and easily when we leave to bring our children home.  But I know what subbing is like.  I did it for a year and it's not very much fun sometimes.  It can be VERY stressful.

I've probably lost several readers by now.  This is going on and on and on and on.  Sorry.  I'm feeling a little down today.  Maybe it's the double pink eye I have.  Or the "almost strep throat".  Or the fluid filled ears.  Or maybe it's the stuffed nose.  Take your pick.  Happy April Fool's Day (I wish this WAS an April's Fool)

I know that God is in control.  His plan IS perfect.  And I'm praying that He will teach me through this adoption to trust more fully in Him.  I'm just struggling right now.