Home Study Update

Pam ~ Praise the Lord!!!  Our Saturday home study visit went VERY WELL!!!  Kim is such a great lady and she was sweet, understanding, thorough, and as quick as she could be.  She arrived at 1 o'clock and sat down to visit with both Nathan and I together.  She explained why she had to ask all the questions that she was going to ask, and reminded us that the purpose of the home study is to make sure the adopted children are coming into a safe environment, as well as to educate adoptive parents on some of the issues they may expect to experience.  Kim then asked if we had any questions for her before we got started.

To be honest, I can't even begin to remember all of the questions she asked.  There were a LOT of them!!!  But they were not difficult to answer, although a few of them may have made us think a little harder than others :-).  After talking with both of us for quite a while, Nathan left to run a few errands, and Kim asked me some "individual" questions.  When Nathan got back it was his turn, and I headed upstairs to finish putting the laundry away.

We finished the day by giving Kim a "tour" of our townhome.  The "tour" lasted all of 4 or 5 minutes.  She had obviously seen the main living area on our second floor {we live in a 3-story townhome, with the first floor being a two-car garage} with our living room and kitchen, so we took her upstairs to the 3rd floor and she was able to see our laundry room, bedroom, and the 2nd bedroom which will belong to our CHILDREN!!!  She made sure to count the number of smoke alarms we had in the house, and that was about IT!!!  {Good thing I had Nathan vacuum the baseboards.  That just might have made her change her mind [insert sarcasm here]!!!}.

Kim told us that she intends to have the rough draft of our home study written up and submitted to our Family Coordinator by Tuesday {tomorrow} evening.  Once our FC {Emily} has the rough draft, she has one week to look it over and ask for more information, clarification, etc. and then she will send it back to Kim.  Kim will set up one more meeting with us {for us to read over the rough draft and approve it} and then she will finalize it and have it notarized.  The home study will be DONE!!!  She told us that she is confident we will have the home study done by the end of this month!!!

I feel so blessed to have been given by God a social worker who does her job thoroughly and efficiently, but who doesn't add a whole bunch of "extras" to the process {which I had been reading about on other people's blogs}.  I had been really praying that we would be able to have the home study portion of our adoption done by the end of this month, and it looks like the Lord is giving me the desire of my heart.

"Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. ~ Psalm 37:4-5

Cross-Cultural Adoption Advice: The Do's and Don'ts for Grown-Ups

By Amy Coughlin & Caryn Abromawitz

Do's of Cross Cultural Adoption

~ Do treat her like any other kid. It may be difficult and take a while for adopted children to feel like they belong within their extended families. Treating these children like they're "nothing special" can go a long way toward making them feel at home and comfortable within the group.
~ Avoid the temptation to spoil her because she didn't have everything that the other kids had in the first few months or years of her life. The most valuable gifts you can offer these children are patience, routine and consistency -- and most of all, unexaggerated expressions of love and devotion.
~ Do support her when curious strangers ask questions. When curious (and sometimes thoughtless) strangers ask questions or feel the need to comment on the circumstances of the adoption, do not let them lead you into uncomfortable territory. Instead, gently steer them back to more suitable small talk or respond in such a way that shifts the conversation to positive adoption language that in turn lets the child know that you are on her side.
~ Do respect her privacy. Adopted children have the same need for and the right to privacy as you do. They do not want their entire life story being told to strangers. If she hears you discussing the intimate details of her origins, she will likely feel embarrassed. Until the child is old enough to decide for herself how much information she would like to share regarding her background, please respect her privacy.
~ Do treat prospective adoptive parents the same as expectant parents. Adopting a child is just as exciting for soon-to-be parents as being pregnant. They feel the same way all expectant parents do -- overjoyed, overwhelmed, nervous, impatient, and most of all, excited. Don't be afraid to ask adopting parents about these feelings. After all, adoption is neither a secret nor a source of embarrassment or shame.
~ Do acknowledge and celebrate the differences. One of the best things you can do to show your support as well as your love for the adopted child in your life is to learn a bit about the culture and history of her birth country. Read a couple of books, especially travel books. Even if you have no plans to travel there, there is no better way to get the feeling of another country.

Don'ts of Cross Cultural Adoption

~ Don't introduce her as adopted. The pain this inflicts on the child is obvious. The child is made to feel inferior, like she will never be considered a real part of the family. The rule is simple: Don't ever, ever do this.
~ Don't say how "lucky" she is. After hearing this enough times, the child can be made to feel like a lifelong charity case, rather than the cherished child she is. Yes, she is lucky, but so is any child who has a supportive, loving family. And we parents are lucky, too, to have been able to create this loving, supportive family.
~Don't assume adoption is a second choice. The reasons people choose to adopt are as varied and unique as the people themselves. While it is true that many choose adoption because of infertility, it is also true that many choose adoption for a myriad of other reasons as well. Many people choose to adopt not because they are out of other options, but rather because they believe that adoption is the best choice for them.
~ Don't jump to conclusions about the birth mother. Often thought of as weak, irresponsible, cheap, and worthless, birth mothers often suffer a lifetime of pain far greater than that of childbirth. Please don't jump to the wrong conclusion that these women are any different than you and me or that they love their children any less.
~ Most cross-cultural adoptive families know little or nothing about the circumstances that led their child's birth mother to relinquish her child. What they do know is that they love their children's birth mothers because they are a part of their children and it is because of them that their beloved children are who they are.
~ Don't tell us we're sure to have "our own" now. She is our own. Those parents who choose adoption because of infertility do not secretly harbor lifelong yearnings for a biological child. Having "our own" is now irrelevant; the child we have is the one we want and it is inconceivable that we could love or want any child more. Like all parents, we have the best.