Mother's Day. A day to celebrate. And a day of tears for many.
I spent several years really struggling with this time of year. My heart yearned to be a mother, but it wasn't God's time for me yet. But it hurt. It hurt so much. I went to church and put on a brave face, but it was hard. Mother's Day 2012 was the worst because we thought we would have our child(ren) home from Ethiopia by then but we didn't. I can't remember if I made it to church that year or not.
Tomorrow will be the fourth Mother's Day I have celebrated since Maya K came home. And it is still an incredibly difficult day for me. For so many reasons.
My emotions are a whole jumble and it's hard to even put them into words, but I want to try. I need to try.
Mother's Day reminds me of the first 5 years of Maya K's life that I missed. If you are a parent, think of all the things your child learns and does in just the first year of their life. Then the second, and third, and so on. Those first few years are PACKED full of moments, events, memories that shape who your child is. I don't have those moments with Maya K. I don't know how big she was when she was born, when she got her first tooth, how old she was when she first sat up/crawled/walked/ran, what her first word was. I don't know when/how she got the two inch scar on her left cheek that will be there for the rest of her life. I honestly don't even know the exact day that she was born. Those are moments that Maya K's birth mom experienced with her. And I am so thankful for the woman who gave Maya K life. I wish that she had been able to spend much more time with Maya K. I wish we knew more than her name and a few facts on paper. Maya K's birth dad told us that Maya K acts just like her mother; that she always wants to help and thinks about her family. I hold that information close to my heart!!!!
Mother's Day reminds me of Layla's birth mom. It reminds me of the HUGE gift she gave me in putting her daughter in my arms and giving me the privilege and blessing of being Layla's mama. It reminds me of holding her hand in the operating room while she cried and told me how much she hoped I would love her baby girl and the moment that I looked up and saw the doctor holding Layla up with all her gorgeous dark hair and my mixed emotions of do I keep holding the hand of the woman who is putting her baby's life into my care and keeping or do I run over to my baby girl and soak in every minute of her. How can I do that when this woman's heart is breaking right now? Mother's Day reminds me of the woman who loved her baby so much that she made the hardest decision a mother could make of putting the needs of her baby girl above the desires of her own heart.
Mother's Day reminds me of the many women who are waiting to become mommies and who's hearts are heavy in the waiting. It reminds me of the women who have miscarried and they ARE already mommies, but there is no baby in their arms. It reminds me of the women whose children have abandoned them and torn out their hearts.
Mother's Day - I want to rejoice in the day. I want to celebrate the opportunity God has given me to be a mommy!!! But my heart hurts and I cry. I feel guilty for celebrating when so many women are hurting. I want to share pictures of my beautiful girls and enjoy being their mommy!!! But I know that there are women who will cry when they scroll through FB posts tomorrow seeing all the Mother's Day pictures.
I will celebrate tomorrow. I will enjoy my girls and we will eat Arby's for lunch :-). But I will also probably be on the verge of tears for much of the day.
Will you please remain sensitive in things you say tomorrow? There are women hurting and you might never know how much. Or maybe you do because you are one of them. I will be praying for you tomorrow!!!!!
For some of the reasons you listed, Mother's Day is also bittersweet for me. I tried not to cry when I was reminded in church this AM of my 2 dearly longed-for babies that I will not get to meet until I get to Heaven. [I ignore those that claim we "won't know them". I literally cannot imagine not knowing my own children in my Father's Home.]
ReplyDeleteI do praise the Lord for the blessings He's entrusted me with to care for here on Earth.every.single.day. It was also difficult for me the years before I did become a mother. Other young couples who got married after Dean and I did started getting pregnant. We weren't "ready", yet, I'd tell them. For me, I only wanted to wait one year before having children--to solidify my relationship with my husband so that one day when our children leave the nest, he and I will still be "Dean and Heidi"!
It was hard watching the first time moms, and knowing we had to wait longer b/c Dean wasn't ready when I was! Patience has never been my strong suit.
Finally, when we were ready, it took several months before the "birth control" running through my body was no longer a present factor.
It was then that we learned I was expecting our now 15 yr. old!
The rest, for now, is history, as this is your blog, not mine. (I have no idea how to even begin to start one!)
Thanks so much for sharing. My prayers for you both have always been that the Lord would abundantly bless you in every aspect of your lives. I love you all! Oh, and happy Mother's Day, Pam! :) You are an awesome Mommy!
Well I wasn't planning on crying but here I am. What a wonderful post.
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